Fear and trembling

Today was the first day of the Boar’s Head and Yule Log Festival at Third Presbyterian Church in Rochester, NY. Every other year, on the weekend closest to Epiphany, the church puts on an extravaganza of pageantry and music with a cast of more than a hundred adults and children.

Not exactly a worship service, though there are many worshipful moments. Not just a pageant, though the costumes and banners make a spectacular visual display. More than a concert, though the 60-member choir, strings and brass, and vocal soloists put on a very professional performance. It’s a community event, reaching beyond the immediate congregation to bring in a large audience for one last chance to sing favorite carols and whoop it up before packing the holidays away and going back to normal life.

At the very end, after the angels have sung, the shepherds have worshipped, and the kings have presented their gifts, the choir sings the great 4th century hymn from the Greek Orthodox Liturgy of St. James (trans­lat­ed from Greek to Eng­lish by Gerard Moultrie):

Let all mortal flesh keep silence,
And with fear and trembling stand;
Ponder nothing earthly minded,
For with blessing in His hand,
Christ our God to earth descendeth,
Our full homage to demand.

King of kings, yet born of Mary,
As of old on earth He stood,
Lord of lords, in human vesture,
In the body and the blood;
He will give to all the faithful
His own self for heavenly food.

Rank on rank the host of heaven
Spreads its vanguard on the way,
As the Light of light descendeth
From the realms of endless day,
That the powers of hell may vanish
As the darkness clears away.

At His feet the six wingèd seraph,
Cherubim with sleepless eye,
Veil their faces to the presence,
As with ceaseless voice they cry:
Alleluia, Alleluia
Alleluia, Lord Most High!

“…and with fear and trembling stand.”

Fear and trembling certainly described a few of the youngest cast members:

  • the young man with the angelic voice, King Wenceslas’ page, who forgot his lines during dress rehearsal, but was word- and note-perfect through both performances
  • the even-younger kids who carried the gifts for the three kings, struggling to remember to lift each gift high when the spotlight shone on them, and to walk slowly (but not too slowly) down the aisle, and to kneel in exactly the right place before the manger
  • the tiny Wood Sprite, who opened and closed the show, dancing down the aisle with a candle

They overcame their fear, and stopped trembling, in large part due to loving advice from the stage manager and many of the more experienced cast members. The advice they were given is worth remembering, for all of us, as we progress through our own dark and rough places.

  • “Take a deep breath.”
    Stepping back for a moment—remembering to breathe, centering—helps break the fear cycle.
  • “It’s OK to be afraid.”
    Fear is a normal reaction to the unknown, to things that are unfamiliar and threatening. Don’t feel ashamed or guilty about it. Accept the fear, but go on anyway.
  • “Listen to the music.”
    Take one step at a time, one breath at a time, slow step by slow step, in time to the music. It will bring you as far as you need to go.
  • “We all love you.”
    Your family and friends are wishing/willing/praying for you to succeed. Feel that energy carrying you forward.

 

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Always a beginner

One of my quote-a-day subscriptions recently sent this, from Thomas Merton’s Contemplative Prayer (Garden City, NY: Doubleday, 1969, p. 37):

“We do not want to be beginners. But let us be convinced of the fact that we will never be anything else but beginners, all our life!”

I love being a beginner.

Much as I enjoy playing expert, teaching people useful stuff, explaining things that confuse them, I’m happiest when I’m learning something. Yes, I love using my new knowledge or showing off a new skill, but I’m always curious about what comes next, what lies underneath, they why of things.

My mother told me that the second word I ever said (after “No!”) was “Why?”. She  have been right. (Personally, I’d put it third, after “Panda!”. I distinctly remember saying that one, when I was very, very young.)

Why? was my favorite word all the way through school, and I seriously annoyed almost all of my teachers with it. Most teachers wanted me to remember facts, lots of facts. Since I could do that easily, they didn’t want to waste time with explanations and background information. They especially didn’t want me to ask why? when they told me to do something, or repeated a school rule.

The Why? obsession drove me to major in the sciences, instead of English (which would have been much easier for me). After college, that same Why? obsession led me to work as an R&D chemist.

I still ask Why? (or, sometimes, Why not?) manymany times a day: reading the news, developing websites, writing technical documentation, reading a book, learning new music, talking with friends, working out a project plan, even potting plants. Each Why? leads me to search for (and usually find) an answer, but there is always another Why? lurking in the background, and another behind that, and another, and another. Always more to learn, more to understand.

I will always be a beginner, and I’m OK with that. Really.

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Third Sentence Thursday: Celebration of Discipline

From the first chapter of Richard L. Foster’s Celebration of Discipline:

“The desperate need today is not for a greater number of intelligent people, or gifted people, but for deep people.”
~ Richard L. Foster

Deep people?
Who are they?
What do they do differently?

Deep people move beyond the comfort zone of surface living to explore the scary, uncomfortable nooks and crannies of their inner life, their relationships, and our increasingly interdependent world. They aren’t happy with the status quo, with only knowing what they’ve always known, being who they’ve always been.

Few politicians are deep people, for example. They have to talk in sound bytes, so I suspect most of them now think in sound bytes, too: shallow interpretations of issues and events, simplistic pseudo-solutions to complex problems. Complexity and nuance don’t win votes.

Foster’s book is intended as a roadmap for those of us who want to be deep people. I think I’m going to enjoy it.

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Capture a creature

Today’s blog post at Writing the Way Home includes a quote from Ted Hughes’ book Poetry in the Making.

[I]magine what you are writing about. See it and live it. Do not think it up laboriously, as if you were working out mental arithmetic. Just look at it, touch it, smell it, listen to it, turn yourselves into it. When you do this, the words look after themselves, like magic. … You will read back through what you have written and you will get a shock. You will have captured a spirit, a creature.

Note to self: Gotta read that book.
[added to Read! 2012-01-04]

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Does life need a Restart page?

A friend sent me a link to The Restart Page. It’s a collection of Restart dialog boxes from vintage computer operating systems. Each one has an active button that, when clicked, replays the entire Restart sequence from that OS. Cool!

It got me thinking about the need for a restart system for life—my life, at least.

I remember my first encounter with a daily restart, at a church youth camp when I was 12 or 13. We were each given a copy of Forward Day by Day, a quarterly collection of daily meditations. On the inside front cover were two passages we were to read as soon as we woke up.

A Morning Resolve

I will try this day to live a simple, sincere and serene life, repelling promptly every thought of discontent, anxiety, discouragement, impurity, and self-seeking; cultivating cheerfulness, magnanimity, charity, and the habit of holy silence; exercising economy in expenditure, generosity in giving, carefulness in conversation, diligence in appointed service, fidelity to every trust, and a childlike faith in God.

In particular I will try to be faithful in those habits of prayer, work, study, physical exercise, eating, and sleep which I believe the Holy Spirit has shown me to be right.

And as I cannot in my own strength do this, nor even with a hope of success attempt it, I look to thee, O Lord God my Father, in Jesus my Savior, and ask for the gift of the Holy Spirit.

For Today

O God:
Give me strength to live another day;
Let me not turn coward before its difficulties or prove recreant to its duties;
Let me not lose faith in other people;
Keep me sweet and sound of heart, in spite of ingratitude, treachery, or meanness;
Preserve me from minding little stings or giving them;
Help me to keep my heart clean, and to live so honestly and fearlessly that no outward failure can dishearten me or take away the joy of conscious integrity;
Open wide the eyes of my soul that I may see good in all things;
Grant me this day some new vision of thy truth;
Inspire me with the spirit of joy and gladness;
and make me the cup of strength to suffering souls;

in the name of the strong Deliverer, our only Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

Later, after I discovered the regenerative power of writing, I adopted Julia Cameron’s technique of writing daily Morning Pages, as described first in The Artist’s Way, and the The Artist’s Way at Work. Cameron describes these three-page stream-of-consciousness exercises as “spiritual windshield wipers,” to clear away the creativity-stifling crud from one’s mind so one can clearly see the new day.

Twelve Step programs like Alcoholics Anonymous have this daily restart thing nailed. They don’t talk about forever, or even long-term goals. They counsel their members to change their lives one day at a time. Every morning is a new start. A young high-school student I was mentoring through her senior project introduced me to this statement, which has been part of my morning routine:

“Just for today, I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle my whole life problem at once. I can do something for twelve hours that would appall me if I felt that I had to keep it up for a lifetime.

Just for today, I will be happy. This assumes to be true what Abraham Lincoln said, that most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be.

Just for today, I will try to strengthen my mind. I will study. I will learn something useful. I will not be a mental loafer. I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration.

Just for today, I will adjust myself to what is, and not try to adjust everything to my own desires. I will take my “luck” as it comes, and fit myself to it.

Just for today, I will exercise my soul in three ways: I will do somebody a good turn, and not get found out. I will do at least two things I don’t want to—just for exercise. I will not show anyone that my feelings are hurt; they may be hurt, but today I will not show it

Just for today, I will be agreeable. I will look as well as I can, dress becomingly, talk low, act courteously, criticize not one bit, not find fault with anything and not try to improve or regulate anybody except myself.

Just for today, I will have a program. I may not follow it exactly, but I will have it. I will save myself from two pests: hurry and indecision.

Just for today, I will have a quiet half hour all by myself, and relax. During this half hour, sometime, I will try to get a better perspective of my life.

Just for today, I will be unafraid. Especially I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful, and to believe that as I give to the world, so the world will give to me.” ~Kenneth L. Holmes

Daily restart? I haz it. Do you? What do you do to reboot your life?

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